Every time I think about things, all these doubts ebb through my head. It's inevitable that nothing will be easy and a whole lot of pain will arise and it scares me. Every second that goes by seems more and more meaningless, like a runaway escalator that goes around and around, up and then back down. No solution, no meaning, just a cycle repeated over and over again. I think I can give but can't. My heart lies untouched although I desperately try to give it. I know it is useless. I can't make myself take the plunge. So the longer I wait to reveal anything, the harder it gets, like this lump in my throat which is cutting off my breathing, and my heart tightens and I can't speak to save my life, and the lump takes control, expanding throughout my body, leaden. And I catch myself in my selfishness and stupidity, I'm hurting myself as well. Trying to save one's heart is slowly eating at my own. I know I can't be truly happy so I sit frustrated, acting, hoping, trying to be something I'm not, knowing all along that the effort is useless, throwing my hopes in agitation, unable to see the light behind the curtain, uncertain if it is there, deep down hoping darkness lurks. It is easier to accept and revel in.
I wonder why I am like this and why he can't see me. Perhaps my cloak of happiness deceives him, but he ever so gently suffocates me with it. And he wants my heart in the box he offers, the key dangling around his neck. A little puppy which strained by its own leash knows no world besides. So I struggle against something I've disillusioned myself into wanting. Knowing the want is misleading and corrupting but wanting to be blissfully ignorant all the same. Like a fish trapped in netting, willing on the final blow, knowing there is no freedom to be granted, hoping for mercy as quickly as possible. I assume consumption might end the suffering so I say nothing. Led by myself to nowhere, stringing him along down the path. And so I cry myself an ocean wishing to sink and drown. And right now I'm only thinking about why no one has rescued me from the cold pavement that forces me to ponder all these things. And I'm sorry but I'm not golden and I just can't stay. I can't exist for you. And I only wish I could kiss the pain away. I've tried so hard but it isn't fair. I wish I could make you hate me, save yourself, be happy and just forget me. I need release. And I want the angels to cradle you and keep you safe from the demon I must seem to be at this moment.
