Love is not all

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink, nor slumber, nor a roof against the rain; nor yet a floating spar to men that sink, and rise and sink and rise and sink again;
Love can not fill the thickened lunk with breath, nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
yet many a man is making friends with death even as I speak for lack of love alone.
It well may be that in a difficult hour, pinned down by pain and moaning for release, or nagged by want past resolutions power, I might be driven to sell your love for peace, or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be.
I do not think I would.
~Edna St Vincent Millay

I was a lost leaf...
Drifting from pond to pond
I was wanted and unwanted
In a family of dysfunctional confusion biological blood of disgust haunted me
Water was thicker in this pond
I found myself, my strength
I am the Phoenix-on fire but resisting to burn out and fade
A thirst, a passion for life, consumes my every breath
I am not yet fulfilled
I am so small and everything is so overwhelming
But what I have within is power, to overcome, to destroy with the grace of empathy, to defeat my opponent with my compassion
I am the one who brings change and informality
Conformity is my past
I will be me
Nothing more, nothing less
I will be what I want, not what they expect
I will become the dream I have, the vision of achievement, potentials realized and reached
No regrets of living vividly
Raining onto oceans when I am sad, floating off into bliss, glowing into the night with warm bright embers, sparkling like fireworks, laughing with a child's innocence
My confidence emanating

Happy little cloud, so content
Rising and falling, shifting ever so slightly through a cascade of breeze
Raindrops scatter among worryless thoughts
Confused all the same in a porcelain whiteness of sterility
Picture Perfect, serene with calm, predictable nothingness
The grayness of it all is immeasurable, seeping into the air like a willowy soul claimer
Remorse of self pity washes in with the storm
happiness freezes over into an icy memory, sliding under into an ocean devised by martyrs
Self absorbed in a mindless dismissal of pride
Giving in to the wind that so harshly whips like a slave driver
Conformity rears its head and sinks its steely fingers into everything innocent pure and true
Blown away, lost in the shadows
The glow of sun forgotten

Every time I think about things, all these doubts ebb through my head. It's inevitable that nothing will be easy and a whole lot of pain will arise and it scares me. Every second that goes by seems more and more meaningless, like a runaway escalator that goes around and around, up and then back down. No solution, no meaning, just a cycle repeated over and over again. I think I can give but can't. My heart lies untouched although I desperately try to give it. I know it is useless. I can't make myself take the plunge. So the longer I wait to reveal anything, the harder it gets, like this lump in my throat which is cutting off my breathing, and my heart tightens and I can't speak to save my life, and the lump takes control, expanding throughout my body, leaden. And I catch myself in my selfishness and stupidity, I'm hurting myself as well. Trying to save one's heart is slowly eating at my own. I know I can't be truly happy so I sit frustrated, acting, hoping, trying to be something I'm not, knowing all along that the effort is useless, throwing my hopes in agitation, unable to see the light behind the curtain, uncertain if it is there, deep down hoping darkness lurks. It is easier to accept and revel in.
I wonder why I am like this and why he can't see me. Perhaps my cloak of happiness deceives him, but he ever so gently suffocates me with it. And he wants my heart in the box he offers, the key dangling around his neck. A little puppy which strained by its own leash knows no world besides. So I struggle against something I've disillusioned myself into wanting. Knowing the want is misleading and corrupting but wanting to be blissfully ignorant all the same. Like a fish trapped in netting, willing on the final blow, knowing there is no freedom to be granted, hoping for mercy as quickly as possible. I assume consumption might end the suffering so I say nothing. Led by myself to nowhere, stringing him along down the path. And so I cry myself an ocean wishing to sink and drown. And right now I'm only thinking about why no one has rescued me from the cold pavement that forces me to ponder all these things. And I'm sorry but I'm not golden and I just can't stay. I can't exist for you. And I only wish I could kiss the pain away. I've tried so hard but it isn't fair. I wish I could make you hate me, save yourself, be happy and just forget me. I need release. And I want the angels to cradle you and keep you safe from the demon I must seem to be at this moment.

Your teeth scrape against my bones, tearing away my flesh, my delicate skin, leaving me naked and vulnerable, shivering, a skeleton with a half intact heart, its rhythmic beating slowing by the minute. Every time I let you in the pain is exactly what I expect. An eternal optimist turned pessimist in matters only pertaining to you. Ever since I met you everything seems to have paled in comparison to what I thought you were offering me, to what I thought you could give me. Like Narcissus drawn to a mirror, your image takes precedence over the love I so uselessly try to give you. My summer feels like winter without you. It rains everyday you give me false hope, like a storm cloud that has settled over me to mock me, constantly taunting me with what I wanted but couldn’t have. I've found sunshine elsewhere but it just isn’t as bright. Your fire left me burnt and scorched to my core but I felt alive, with a hunger just to be next to you. I willed myself to let you in time after time, needing to let you fill me up after it seemed that every ounce of you had finally drained from me. It's self destructive but I'm addicted to letting you devour me whole.

I remember you, the boy I never knew. You hid your black book away, but all you secrets spilled out one day. You thought I was naive and that I'd never leave, but I'm doing better now than ever and it didn't take that long to grieve. I didn't know you were playing wicked games, I never got the rules, you tried to push me down and make me another one of your sad melodramatic fools. Things are different now, if you gave me your heart I'd toss it aside. Bottom line you need to learn is this girl has way too much pride. I better not see you face come around anymore; the only greeting you'll be receiving is the slam of the door. I'm not your baby girl like I was before, and if you finally are going to shed a few tears go back to the arms of one of your precious whores. Your persistent calls are unwelcome, your pleas and attempts unrecognized. You only want what you'll never have so stop your pathetic tries. You practiced all your lies through your plastic smile, told me what I wanted to hear, enticing me to stay awhile. Well this girl is seeing clearly now boy, your performance deserves applause, but your kitty won't be purring for you anymore, she’s ready to attack, she’s already bared her claws. Put your tail between your legs and run away like the dog you are. When people ask what’s left of you I'll point to my heart and show them this insignificant scar. You thought you broke my spirits and left me here to die, so let’s leave it at goodbye; I've no more tears left to cry.

Simplicity

I've neglected you for quite some time. My nicotine addiction is the drama I wallow in. Drama masks other issues. Deeper issues that are beyond fixing. Issues with no solution, at least not pleasant ones. Solutions that close in on me like malicious walls thirsty to suffocate me. Emotional hurt that no one ever warned me about somehow took hold of my life. My mom always told me to only care as much as the other person cares. Like one has control over feelings. Like the elusive on/off switch exists and is easily accessible. And I wonder if I could be blissfully happy without conflict, without confusion, without self imposed obstacles.
Simplicity- so true to definition. You offer in equal comparison to myself, unselfish, sincere. I'm staring through my peephole. Unsure if I should open the door of opportunity. Hesitant of the unknown, history telling me I crave complexity. My sensible mind telling me this is what I deserve. My heart, ever unphased, lacking memory of previous aches, not quite agreeing so eagerly. At some point I took too literally the phrase, “Something worth having is something worth fighting for." Perhaps we get a break once in awhile and we receive an effortless gift. I'm not quite sure if the door says to push or pull. I sigh deeply and lean, hoping for temporary support. I want to breathe easy.
So simplicity, I resolve to this: take my hand and gently guide me, let me lead you at times or give me the satisfaction of thinking I am leading. Be patient with me and amuse my expectations as best you can. I have never been one to intimately know simple. But I'm willing to take a few steps, open the door with conviction and begin a journey, an expedition with you simplicity. I surrender, just don't let me glance back at familiar complication.

I fell asleep and you were there
Creeping into my dreams, my thoughts, my secret desires
I wrapped myself in a hazy blue cocoon of confusion,
desperately trying to awake to reality,
while I struggled violently to slip deeper into the sweet taste of you
You consumed me like fiery lava
and I had nowhere to turn but into your heated embrace
And you held me with your gaze as your soul swept around me like liquid passion
I'm make believing, hoping that this surreal existence stretches for an eternity of breathing you,
as I flail out, looking into those steely blue grey eyes that enrapture me
I'm sinking, trembling, hoping that you feel the same way
and when I wake there will be nothing to fear
I sigh and open my eyes from this fantasy
I feel your energy pulsating near me
You are here, next to me,
and the soft caress of your hand on my cheek
and your breath as you whisper in my ear,
lets me know I wasn't dreaming

Two
Beckon and call me
Perfect in form and beauty
Equally lay waiting
Not giving me any indication
Two
Taunting me
I can not have but one
Barely out of reach
Deliciously tempting
Two
One is mine
His emotions are lost
He will not let me in
He drowns me
Two
One is there
But he has his own
He wears his fake smile
Denys himself happiness
Two
Uncharted greed
Swept in by lust
Chilled heart
Slowly breaking me
I am better off as one
With no two

Why am I crying? What am I doing on the floor? Why do I care if he cares anymore? My golden glory is gone and my dress of virgin white. He was a ride where I sat down and could only hold on tight. Dreaming of a future, I never saw his past. If I had an ounce of integrity I'd have known it wouldn't last. He robbed me of my innocence, carried it off in a black bag of starry dust. And If I'd opened my deluded eyes, I'd have seen his face of lust. When I wasn't looking my gaurdian angel slipped out the back door. And virtue and purity surround me no more. Climbing up a staircase to a ray of redeeming light, wishing I would have known the boy was never worth the fight. Wading in confusion, lost in broken thoughts, thinking of the lacking love nothing could have bought. His intentions were an icicle, my aura was all afire. How was I to ever know malice was nowhere near desire. Cradle me with love dear, mend my broken heart. Tell me that this nightmare has no ending and no start.

These are just some things I have written for whatever reason. Some of them I am fond of, others I am not.